any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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