oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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