Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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