why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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