I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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