Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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