i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Found the puke drawer
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
