hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
