My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
