Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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