Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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