not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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