"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
