I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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