This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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