I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
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I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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