I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
