Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
