woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
