So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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