i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize