The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
