We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My liver just had a heart attack.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
