the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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