he puts the penis in happiness.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
