omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
