OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
