A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
