This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize