you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
where am i from again
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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