Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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