the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
