My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize