I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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