The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
