Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
