we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
