Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
