I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
