6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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