Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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