The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
