He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
