so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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