Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
