When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
