This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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