I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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