saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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