why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
