I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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