My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
