I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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