she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
