Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
