Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
