We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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