VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
