Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
