Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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