Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
